Letter from a man in Birmingham to his friend in London:
“I was fed up with being burgled and robbed every other day in my neighbourhood. The alarm system was no use so I tore it out and deregistered from our ineffective local Neighbourhood Watch…
Instead, I’ve planted a Afghanistan flag in each corner of my front garden.
Now, the city police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all keeping watch on my house 24x7x365…
I’m followed to and from work every day and my wife too when she goes out shopping.
So no one bothers us at all…
I’ve never felt safer… All thanks to “Afghanistan.”
Nancy: A US doctor said: “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another & have him looking for work in 6 weeks.”
A British doctor said: “That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another & have him looking for work in 4 weeks.”
A Canadian doctor said: “In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another & have them both looking for work in 2 weeks.”
A Nigerian doctor, not to be outdone, says: “u guys are way behind. We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work & food”.
Bob and his Wife
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Bob! How ya doin?’
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. ‘Oh no,’ says Bob. ‘He’s in my bowling league. When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’ ‘I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.’
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
‘Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’
Bob’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, ‘Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.’
Pastor and Mobile Food Sellers – Nigeria Joke
A Pastor stopped at a traffic light and three girls: Apple seller, Bread seller and Yam seller pulled by:
Pastor: Apple seller give me one quotation in the bible where Apple is mentioned before I buy.
Apple seller:- The bible said…You are the Apple of my eyes. “Good!: said Pastor, “I will buy N1000 worth of Apples”.
Pastor: Bread seller give me a bible quotation with bread and I’ll buy
Bread seller: Jesus said “I am the bread of life”.
Pastor: Let me buy N1000 worth of bread.
Pastor: Yam seller give me one quotation with yam and I’ll buy
Yam seller: Jesus said, l yam that I yam…=)) =)) =)) =))
Lanre and the Priest -Nigeria Jokes
lanre enters a church n finds the priest.
Priest: How may I help you son?
lanre: Im looking for my wife, she said she would be here but as I can see she’s not around. Now that am here, I would like to confess. Then go to the confession area
lanre: forgive me father for I have sinned
Priest: What are your sins my son?
lanre: The other day, I went looking for my wife at her home but she was not there. I found her sister alone, I slept with the sister.
Priest: Oh, that is sin, but at least you came to confess
lanre: Then another day I went looking for her at her aunt’s place but she was not there, I found her cousin alone, I slept with the cousin
Priest: You know that is wrong my son
lanre: Then the other day I went looking for her at her working place. She was not there, I found her colleague alone…
Priest interrupts: Let me guess, you slept with her colleague
lanre: Yes father
Then there was total silence after that.
Still no reply
lanre: Father are you dia??
lanre peeps through and finds out that the priest is no longer there . He looks for him and finds him hiding.
lanre: Why are you hiding father?
Priest (shaking with fear): I’ve just realised I’m the only one here and you came looking for your wife